Television

Southern Charm Recap: You Made Trampolines Sad Austen

The barrel of fun is empty

This week’s Southern Charm was truly an experiment in just how sad one reality television show can get before Andy Cohen steps in to declare the time of death. After the typical opening sequence of catching up with people we don’t care about anymore, we joined Craig and Naomie for couples therapy. In the session they learned that they can disagree with each other via flashcards. All of this was done in front of a “medical professional” they found for the show. Craig’s excuse for his constant yelling was because that’s how people “from the North” talk, and it was a hilarious moment. I have to admit that it is also kind of true. The before mentioned ‘medical professional’ then attempts to teach them the benefits of fair fighting, without actually exploring the deeper issue that lies buried within the Craig/Naomie house of cards. The three adults never even touched upon the idea that the Craig is clearly in love with Gizmo the cat.

Meanwhile, Landon shows up to a bar dressed like the Brawny paper towel man to try in an attempt to seduce “better Shep” Austen away from Chelsea the Survivor. To be fair, Chelsea basically told Austen she doesn’t want a serious relationship, so Landon isn’t so much the other woman as she is irritating and desperate for attention. Anyone who shows up to a bar and immediately takes a shot to announce they’re “ready to settle down again” is really just ready for a good therapist and a possible prescription.

The discovery that Landon’s dog Charlotte served as ring bearer in her ill-fated first wedding, and will likely be dead before her next one, was truly the tear-stained icing on a sad beer-flavored cake. Southern Charm’s token, over-produced scenario, came to be when Shep happens to walk into the very same bar and saw Landon and Austen together. Shep then proceeds to head over and get involved in the conversation for no reason what-so-ever. The fact that Chelsea even continues to comes up, and that Shep says she has the same “laissez-fair” attitude towards relationships, just makes the both of them sound gross.

In other news, Thomas’ father is still alive and that was SHOCKING to me. The two discuss their latest “family” project of renovating historic homes (AKA House Flipping wealthy Southerners) before Thomas gets into the sad story of his parent’s divorce, his disabled brother and his ongoing desperation for his father’s approval. Sure this scene was sad and unnecessary, but Trav and all his eccentricities make a hell of a lot more sense now.

Speaking of depressing family matters, Austen takes Chelsea on a date to a trampoline park. You’d think this would be pure bouncy fun, however Austen thinks that this fun, boner-filled date is the perfect time to tell Chelsea about the tragic childhood death of his older sister. He also states that his younger sister was conceived purely so that Austen wouldn’t have to grow up an only-child, which probably happens a lot, but isn’t something you should really say out loud.

Skipping over the Kathryn/Chelsea haircut scene because it was forced and stupid…The audience is treated to another famous Patricia Altschul dinner. This event came complete with a theme and costumes, and it also seemed to be loathed by poor Michael (the butler) who was forced to sport a turban with his weird white not-a-doctor coat. Patricia’s scary friend, who is a partner in their dog-caftan company, joined the gan for an Indian themed evening. Curry was served, but the intel brought to the table by the “Psychic healer” named Angie (seriously, not even trying) is much juicer (and totally fake/planted).

Angie tells Cameran that she’s going to have a child, and tells Craig that he’s Naomie’s soulmate and is destined to own his own law-firm. Angie then tells Landon that her “soulmate” in currently in the room. Another reading was that Whitney would be having a kid one day. I have no idea what she says to Shep (if anything) because a fight breaks out about the gang getting involved in the Thomas-Kathryn dilemma that nobody cares about.

Tags : Bravo