Television

Southern Charm Recap: Sew Lame

Less Charm, more Southern

One could argue that not much has happened thus far in season 4 of Southern Charm, then again this weeks episode involved both sewing and witchcraft. The episode began with an unnecessary montage of what the cast-members are up to, most notably Landon drinking wine and “reading” a book alone, and Thomas actually taking care of his own human children.

The rest of the episode was just as cluttered and unorganized as the montage with scenes including Cameran purchasing a white-magic voodoo doll for her home, Whitney and Thomas slurring at each other about dating with dinner, and Shep and Austen having a good ol’ fashioned pissing contest over Chelsea, who no one actually seems to care about.

Austen has yet to reveal his purpose on the show, other than to highlight Shep’s already pitiful aging process. I honestly don’t see the appeal, and have very little interest in sticking around to learn more. All their basketball fueled confrontation seemed to do was show off what horrible shape they’re both in, and prove that Chelsea should just give up on Charleston and move far, far away. Shep’s entire scene at the doctor’s office was boring and sad. His drinking habits are depressing at best and it’s honestly a miracle he’s still even alive.

Speaking of alcoholics with questionable longevity, Thomas is an hour late to meet Whitney, for what I think is dinner, and explained how he “lost his mojo” because his favorite pair of butt-hugging khakis no longer make him feel confidant. I agree with Whitney that Thomas should never say such things, and I also appreciate that Whitney seemingly polished off an entire raw bar tower by himself waiting for Thomas to arrive.

I also couldn’t care less about Jennifer and Kathryn’s relationship, so I’m not even going to comment on they’re awkward, horribly staged lunch scene. What I will say, is that Southern Charm has no shame relying on obviously-preplanned, “I’m actually right here” meet-ups and its audience doesn’t seem to mind. Also, rehab apparently doesn’t make you capable of basic empathy.

I can’t really comment on Landon’s random alcohol-fueled lunch with Austen, where she claims that some restaurants are just not “roam-worthy” (laughable) and then has a joking-but-serious argument about why Aspen is better than Vale. Her levels of privilege and ignorance never fail to both shock and disgust me. Landon also has a lunch date this episode with Thomas, who she couldn’t have dinner with because she has tickets to a PHISH concert. At this point, even Thomas (the bloated, alcoholic, misogynist who banished his children to the guest house) can do better.

Then on to Craig, the unemployed, directionless wildcard that Southern Charm would be empty and lifeless without. Craig spends the episode playing with Gizmo in bed, purchasing a sewing machine for embroidery, and making Naomie dinner so that he can tell her he’s planning on both buying a rental property and starting a clothing line. There are so many questions, I just don’t know where to begin. Naomie is right when she tells Craig he can’t do 100 things at once if he wants to do well, and she just needs to realize her perfectly rational points are getting her nowhere, especially on reality television.

Tags : Bravo