This week, my favorite new Southern Charm couple made their appearance, and I’m prepared to worship them from afar for the entire season. That relationship is between Craig Conover and Gizmo the cat. Craig and Gizmo sleep in the same bed, converse and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes while Naomi goes to work and school…because she has real life responsibilities and goals. Seriously though, god bless the editors of this episode for the cat montage. Someone had fun putting that together, and it shows.
When Whitney makes an appearance, he somehow manages to be both weird and incredibly boring. Wearing a trench coat that is essentially bedazzled, Whitney tells Thomas he looks puffy before explaining that he is now “single and ready to mingle.” Nobody cares. Somewhere on the other side of town, Kathryn finally gets out of the car she spent all last episode sitting in, only to visit a random friend and rehash her rehab and custody situation. The only part of this scene that I find both interested and infuriating, is the cut back to Landon from last season’s reunion, asking about Kathryn’s drug test with a smug, evil look on her face. It takes a special kind of person to feel joy from a young mother having a drug problem, and that person is Landon.
Cameran talking to her mother in the car and visiting Jennifer’s baby is the most (ok, the only) heartwarming part of the episode. Cameran’s mother calls the baby’s medical struggles a “strengthening situation,” which I am going to steal, and Cameran uncomfortably holding the child was both sweet and hilarious. Once again Cameran in the VIP.
At the batting cages, Craig is late to meet Shep because he’s allergic to his new life parter, Gizmo the cat. Upon arrival, Craig shows us all why his dreams of being a major league baseball player didn’t come true with the worst batting stance anyone has ever seen. Shep takes the opportunity to once again berate Craig for lying about the bar exam and apparently lying about wanting to be a lawyer in general. The real question here is why does Shep care? Shep doesn’t have a “career” or any direction in particular.
Next we see Cameran trying to set Shep up with her friend Chelsea, who was once a finalist on survivor, proving that everyone in Charleston is required to be on at least one realty show. Shep seems nervous about being forced to think of this woman as a living, breathing human because she is friend’s with the almighty Cameran. Godspeed, Chelsea.
Cut to Whitney, Shep and I-forgot-his-name-already (Austen Kroll) getting together for drinks and “taters” to discuss the possibility of becoming romantic rivals. Whitney, of course, has very little to add to the conversation and simply repeats what everyone else is saying before announcing “People f*ck in America, bro.” Patricia must be proud.
The latter half of the episode is fully dedicated to the worst of the garbage people Thomas my-children-live-in-the-guest-house Ravenel and Landon makes-me-want-to-scratch-my-own-eyes-out Clements. The tone for Landon’s “Roam” launch party is set by Thomas getting ready and speaking French to himself in the mirror like the sociopath he truly is. Thomas goes on to explain that Landon is not a flake and people are simply “misreading her.” It seems really hard to misread a book with blank pages, but what do I know. Later, Thomas painfully tries to compliment Landon’s website without blatently lying, by slurring phrases like “visually beautiful,” “high-def” and complimenting Landon’s “oral skills” in no particular order. Oh, and Whitney brought a lunatic wearing full-length cocktails gloves and introduced her an as escort.
Finally at the event Landon is dressed up like a middle school art teacher on the day that everyone has to work on a project inspired by ancient Egypt. She seems to be bossing her intern and some other poor girl around, to get drinks and show people the site. Eventually, Shep asks if Landon did all the content for the site and poor whats-her-face responds, “no, I did.” Landon does nothing…except insult people in Nantucket, which we learn from Shep who has shown up once again only to antagonize someone he is apparently friends with. Towards the end of the evening Shep takes it upon himself to confront Landon about her behavior during a recent trip with some app developers (I think that’s what they are?) that he may be investing with. The developers claim that Landon was a rude mess on the trip, spouting nonsense along the lines of “when I travel, everything is taken care of.” Landon is obviously upset by this conversation and instead of taking any responsibility, claims she “never said that” and says she was offended by their behavior as well. Landon then says in her interview that “Shep doesn’t have to answer to anyone.” My question is who the hell is Landon answering to? Her father? On the way out, Landon is so upset she can’t even call her own car home. The poor girl who wrote all of the content for Landon’s website has to do that too.
Speaking of confrontation, Cameran takes it upon herself to speak to Craig about why he’s been avoiding her. Craig recounts his earlier chat with Shep in which Shep announced that Craig was no longer welcome in the “group chat”. Cameran responds with nothing less than total honesty, saying they do have a group chat about Craig, but just to make fun of his Instagram, not because they don’t like him. Fair.