The first few minutes of Southern Charm were…an assault to the senses. Landon and Thomas walking her poor dog (who obviously hates her, as we all do) and watching the sunset while vaguely discussing the future was unsettling at best. To be honest, these two probably deserve each other. Thomas is a sociopath on his best day and Landon is too dim and self-involved to notice. If they run away together and never grace our screens with their presence again, I will be a happy camper.
For now, flashing back 3 months, we are treated to delightful glimpses of the Charmer’s daily lives. Shep trying to figure out his way around an iron juxtaposed with Patricia reading the newspaper in bed with GLOVES on is probably the best thing that’s going to happen to me this week. Cameran is doing nothing in particular aside from being delightful, which is all I will ever ask of her, and Thomas is banishing his children (whose mother Crazy-Pants Kathryn is fresh out of rehab and hasn’t seen them in MONTHS) to the guest house because children are “messy,” and he doesn’t want spit up on his rugs that cost more than I make in a year. The man’s gotta have priorities. Probably the best thing to watch is Craig, who is taking time off from pretending his graduated law school to take up gardening and carpentry. Cameran’s astute observation that Craig “doesn’t have shit else to do,” is potentially the best quote of the night.
The intro to our new cast member, professional beer rep and Maryland native Austen Kroll, was less than stellar. He called himself a better-looking Shep (I’m assuming without the family money) while reminding anyone within a 3 foot radius that he does indeed have a job. A job his parents consider to be “hand-to-mouth” AKA not a real job. Quick reminder: Cameran is the only cast member with an actual career. We were also introduced to Landon’s “boyfriend” who is 10 years younger than she is. To be honest, I’m impressed and concerned that the managed to find a guy with a larger, more distracting set of veneers than Shep. Girlfriend has a type and that type is BIG ASS TEETH.
Side note: Landon is a horrible person for calling Kathryn a bad mother for going to rehab on the West Coast. Addiction is an illness. No one would judge someone with another medical condition for traveling to the best place/doctors for treatment.
On to the pool party, hosted by someone named Eliza Limehouse, who I honestly cannot remember if we ever saw on screen aside from a painful polo “match” with T-Rav, where he introduces her as his friend’s daughter (so so gross). The name sounds like she’s the drag version of Eliza Doolittle. Anyway, T-Rav is gross and drunk at the party asking women half his age to take their tops off. Also at the party is Kathryn Dennis’ cousin, who uses her 35 seconds of screen time to air Kathryn’s dirty laundry. I think this woman might be the actual spawn of Satan.
Oh, yeah and the show ends with Kathryn (who has been driving for what seems like 3 hours) to a clinic to finally take a drug test, so she can actually see her children.
- If Craig is gardening and Naomi is in school getting her MBA, who is paying their rent?
- Is Naomi working AND going to school AND paying the bills?
- While we’re on the topic of real estate, who is paying for Landon’s house and what “work” was Landon so busy doing when Craig and Naomi came over to not talk about Kathryn?
- Is her website that only exists on paper (literally) still a thing?
- Did the walk-of-shame girl in Austen’s house sign a release?
- Does Austen keep a Costco pack of coconut water in his house to offer strange women on their way out in the morning? If so, has he ever considered calling it CocoSlut water? (I sense a marketing opportunity).
- Landon’s boyfriend will be around for 3 episodes tops.
- Shep and Austen will fight over imaginary women.
- Shep will continue to care deeply about Craig being “someone he’s not” for no reason whatsoever.
- Kathryn will pass a drug test only to have everyone questions her sobriety a la Kim Richards.
- Kathryn will serve up melodramatic eye rolls, mostly directed at Landon.
- Cameran will continue to be a ray of sunshine.
- Craig will take the bar and get a job offer, then ruin it by not taking the job.
- T-Rav will go on a bender and forget about his children in the guest house.
- At one point, someone faints in Key West.