Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap, It Begins

Soon to be a trilogy

It’s that time of year again. All the Sexy Unique Restaurant Employees gather under the same roof to be supervised and taunted by Andy Cohen for the Vanderpump Rules Reunion (Part 1). Just to note, there are now three parts to this reunion, and based on what they’ve actually address thus far, my working theory is that they’re saving the goods for Part 3.

The show starts off with the quintessential getting ready montage, which is really only some less-than-artistic cuts of everyone talking about boobs. Let’s face it, aside from Ariana, Scheana and Kristen (dubbed by Stassi as “the anorexics” – which is a COMPLIMENT), boobs are all anyone really has left going for them. It’s also worth noting that this is the first reunion show that wasn’t filmed at SUR due to the ridiculous size of this year’s cast. Instead they apparently taped it at Xanadu (that’s a place, right?). Outfits were fine, but not great. The only one worth mentioning was Brittany Cartwright who dressed up like the windblown lady on the cover of every romance novel available for purchase at your local Rite Aid. Katie Maloney-Schwartz (ugh) wore a sheer Kim Kardashian Halloween costume (called out by Andy later than evening on WWHL), which I wouldn’t recommend on anyone other than Kim K. Leave the sheer looks to Lisa Vanderpump, she rocks them and she knows it.

The first hilariously shady moment of the even came right out of the gate when Andy Cohen “forgot” to say hello to Kristen Doute, proving that Kristen on meds is nothing less than dull. The rest of the evening wasn’t necessarily memorable. There were a few recaps of Schwartz shenanigans like christening his groomsmen with “butt steaks” and some tears shed over Gay Pride. Katie was almost passing as an empathetic human being before the Gay Pride conversation when she angrily defended herself for not going to SUR, and defended her angry texts aimed at those who did for “pouring liquor down people’s throats.” Because Katie has NEVER poured, or had alcohol poured down her throat (cough, Tequila Katie).

The “shocking” moment of Part 1 was the return of Lala, the formerly beautiful SUR hostess who apparently quit to protect her married boyfriend and shoot an astounding amount of fillers into her face. For the record, Lala calling Katie a “blob” was hilarious, not because of Katie’s body but because of her personality.

The rest of the event was essentially everyone else calling out Stassi, Katie and Kristen for being awful, and Stassi, Katie and Kristen trying harder than Kellyanne Conway to justify their “alternative truths.” Katie’s “mismanaged my feelings” apology to walking pincushion Lala was so scripted and insincere, it basically had to be introduced by Katie’s manservant/husband. Sadly, Katie gave more of an apology to Lala than she did to Scheana, her actual friend. Go Figure. I especially enjoy Tom Sandoval (who took out his blonde extensions THANK GOD) getting all bent out of the shape and twitchy yelling at the 3 witches for being witchy. Also, god bless Ariana but her Stassi impression is TERRIBLE.

The real SURprise of Part 1 of this reunion was DJ/White-Kanye James Kennedy. James was funny to the point where he had Jax physically interacting in a way that wouldn’t violate his parole from stealing sunglasses (never forget). These two cackling together like a pair of sassy hyenas gives me hope that the Republicans and Democrats can actually work something out…eventually.

Until Part 2, let’s take bets on how many times Katie yelled at Schwartz for “not having her back” this season. Winner gets a Pumptini.

Tags : Bravo